I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
