Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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