I can text with my tongue
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I had to cum in my sink.
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