I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
