Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
