Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
