So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
