He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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