he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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