I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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