i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
