i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
