was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
