JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
