My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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