He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
