There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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