Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
