i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
