You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
