I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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