need another drink. this is the easiest way
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize