Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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