Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Boobs speak an international language.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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