he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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