Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
