I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
