Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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