u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
