I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
