woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
