Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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