I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
