I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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