I'm going to rape someone's good day.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
