I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
