he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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