On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
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Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
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Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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