Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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