im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
