I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
