Are we in a gay sports bar?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
