it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
