I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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