I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
two words: eviction party
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
