Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
