I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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