Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
