So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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