woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
