smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
