3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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