while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
