I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
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That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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