Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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