went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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