Your face is a jimmy john
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
