saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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