I'm going to rape someone's good day.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
