Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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