and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
where are you?
Hypothermia
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
